Astounded that my arm can actually raise this high without help...
Yeah, yeah, I know...it's Wednesday...again. I am enjoying the fragrance of a honeysuckle scented candle as I write this.
Tomorrow is my last day of PT until they (presumably) approve another 8 sessions. The therapist performed an evaluation yesterday and my strength is slowly (very slowly) returning and my range of motion is on target with the projected recovery. Of course they don't seem to take into account that my arm does NOT move to the positions they measure without assistance. I can't get my arm at a 90 degree angle away from my body without someone lifting it and holding it there for example. I mean, I can lift it only so far but holding it there or raising it further just isn't happening without assistance.
WARNING: Lots of self-indulgent pouting and whining ahead. Proceed at your own risk!
I finally made a decision to move on, move forward. It's time. Out with the old and all that. I'm a pack rat, shameful really since I criticize my own parents for that very behavior, but I am learning to let go...of a lot of things actually. I am surrounded by memories, both good and bad, things I don't need or don't use. Sometimes you can hold on for too long and even if letting go feels sad and final, it also can heal.
I have slowly been letting go of the guilt, the pain, the anger, the loss, the emptiness, the betrayals. I have even *insert sharp intake of breath known as a gasp here* talked about it!
If this doesn't make sense to most of you, it's okay. Those of you who know me best will understand that bit of nonsense.
Week Eight Lessons Learned:
I have learned a few things this week, mostly of a personal nature. Maybe I didn't actually learn them, perhaps I just am acknowledging them.
- People I thought were the closest to me or should have been do not understand me at all
- I seriously wish I could stay home and not return to work
- I have never, ever been at the top of anyone's list of priorities
- I need to be at the top of my own list of priorities (aside from my boys who always come first)
- Time is moving by entirely too fast
- I am more cynical than I realized and I do not trust
- Sometimes I feel quite invisible
Sad, but true to quote Metallica. I leave you with a couple of Blogthings.
Your Fashion Style is Playful |
 You love fashion, but unlike most fashionable folks, you're no snob or label lover. In fact, the thing you like most about fashion is being able to try on different looks. You're very eclectic. You are the type to mix and match interesting items. You'll wear something designer with something discount. Or you'll sport something classic with something vintage. You truly believe that fashion should be fun. And you're having a lot of fun breaking all of the rules. |
Your Primary Mood Color is Blue |
 You are a sensitive and reflective person. You have a good intuition for emotions. You can sense what people are feeling and even sometimes what they are thinking. You communicate well, and you're also a good listener. You cherish your friends, and every word they say is important to you. You are always there for the people you love, and you expect the same in return. You crave deep connection and understanding. |
Gayl, you and I could possibly be interchangeable when it comes to likes/dislikes and characteristics. I'm sorry to hear your complaints:( particularly about those close to you. I'm a great listener so if u ever want to vent just send me an email or something! Remember to Take care of YOU too..we all have trouble with that sometimes. -xtinabobina
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is hang in there, give yourself some credit, and keep an eye out for yourself. In the end, people have the propensity to suck. Enormously. A lesson learned continuously. Never seems to stop, rather annoying. But there are still some folks out there worth putting time into.
ReplyDeleteCan't say much else, not my place. But I hope you feel better, both physically and mentally. :(
People take what they can take. You are not invisible. I say fuck them, all of them.
ReplyDeleteThere is never enough time. Never ever.
And I have to add that according to your blogthings, which I ADORE, my fashion style is dramatic and my primary color is red.
ReplyDeletextina, thanks. i'm just having a pity party, that's all. i am trying to take care of myself though and put myself first once in awhile.
ReplyDeletemao, i am trying. people do suck sometimes, especially family. i have been an optimist for so long that when i get slammed i keep asking myself why i let it happen...again and again. but thank you for the thoughts. i will get over it.
ReplyDeleteSB, you're right. FUCK THEM!
ReplyDeleteWe should trade blog things. I much prefer red.
and i have to add the song i just heard...Never Gonna Be Alone
ReplyDeleteNo problem, gayl :) you kno when things are really tough i like to do things to keep my mind away from my troubles for a little bit like sims or going outside for a run or walk. Plus I love on my puppy dogs they always lighten the mood
ReplyDeleteGood idea xtina! I think I am going to try and create a custom tattooed skin. that always makes me feel good, creating something.
ReplyDeleteI only have the smallest inkling of an idea of what you are reffering to, but it does sound like you are finally ready to start letting things go and reclaim your life. There isn't anything wrong with taking the time to heal, but also there isn't anything wrong with drawing that line and saying its time for you now.
ReplyDeleteIt is never too late to place ourselves as our own priorities!!
ReplyDeleteIt is never too late to move on or to let go...
never too late to come out of our self-imposed prison bars...
just look forward and do what makes you happy Gayl... the tragedy of live is not what we lose, but what we miss, and the time we waste...
so if you think it is time to do something for you then don't waste anymore time... do it before it is too late.... refuse to keep on walking faintly throu life and start running to whatever it is you want!
The past is gone, whatever it is, it will never be back...
the future is waiting, so do what makes you happy!
:P
Take care! and just smile, life is full of surprises and all those hard times we go through are just to make us stronger! You are a warrior, so get your shiny armor and fight for what you want... :P